


Connie Swap Episode 10: The Butterfly Effect

by br42, BurdenKing, CoreyWW, MjStudioArts



Series: Connie Swap [10]
Category: Star vs. The Forces Of Evil, Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Art, Crossover, F/M, Gen, Momswap, Pictures, Slice of Life, Steven Universe AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2017-07-19
Packaged: 2018-12-04 04:47:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11547789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/br42/pseuds/br42, https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurdenKing/pseuds/BurdenKing, https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MjStudioArts/pseuds/MjStudioArts
Summary: After the events at the Sea Shrine Lab, Connie has a lot on her mind.





	Connie Swap Episode 10: The Butterfly Effect

\---Timeline #3---

She sat on the sand in a remote stretch of beach, away from the Beach House, away from the gems, away from everyone and everything.

_Keep him safe... from... us!_

Not away from her memories, however.

Her phone rang; the chipper ringtone was immediately recognizable. It was Steven, no doubt wanting to ask her about the mission over some fry bits or something.

_Keep him safe... from... us!_

Connie touched the screen, her finger held in place for a moment as she struggled with a multitude of feelings.

She swiped down and declined the call.

Connie stared down at her phone. _1 missed call._

She released the breath she hadn't realized she was holding.

_I'll... change my name. Connie Maheswaran has friends who she might be a danger to, but Veronica Cucamonga is a lone wolf. I can build a little hut in Peridot's garden; I already live off that food anyway. Then Jasper and Peridot can come and get me whenever they need me for a mission and Steven will..._

* * *

\---Timeline #3.1415926---

Connie paused. Steven was sensitive and emotionally unfiltered. She had seen him cry before, but even his response to the opening sequence of _Up_ seemed inadequate to describing his response to finding Connie living under an alias, half a world away.

She shook her head and tensed her jaw. _Steven will be better off this way. I mean, how can I protect him from **myself**?!_

The girl rested her chin on her hand in the classic 'Thinker' pose and settled in for a good and heroic bout of brooding. What she got instead was her trying to wrap her mind around the cosmology implied by her encounter with herselves. 

_Apparently out there are whole other parallel worlds. If they're filled with different Connies, are they also filled different gems? Different Stevens? Different Sadies and Lars- Larses? Larsi? Hmm, what IS the plural of Lars? Well, if a group of lions is called a pride then I guess a group of more than one Lars is a shame. I mean, if I saw several of him coming my way I would think, 'What a shame.'_

Connie was still grappling with grammatical distinctions and dimensional implications when she heard a musical tearing sound in the air behind her.

Connie swiveled around, perplexed but grimmly prepared for anything the world could throw at her...

...except for a swirling vortex from which leapt a blonde teen in a teal dress, wearing costume devil horns, holding scissors in one hand and in the other a... scepter? Ornate club? Maraca?

With a vertical swipe of her scissors, the swirling vortex vanished. These the mysterious blonde stowed in a star-shaped purse she wore on a long spaghetti strap. Noticing Connie's open-mouthed stare, the girl gave an energetic wave.

"Hiii," came the chipper reply. "You must be Connie!"

 _Alright, universe. You win. My hubris has officially been binned, along with my self-confidence and any lingering doubts I may have harbored about the Many-World Hypothesis,_ she silently conceded.

The implausible teen seemed used to being on the receiving end of shocked expressions and continued. "I'm Star Butterfly. I'm a magical princess from another dimension!" she said, waving her maraca overhead and conjuring a rainbow...

...that caught fire.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Editor’s Note: For any of you who’d like some more context surrounding our crossover character, consider [clicking on](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vd9BZ51NvZo&index=28&list=PLg6R6yXKSLYD5QYXlXUJulXYOGcWh6ikp) [some of](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Star_vs._the_Forces_of_Evil#Plot) [these links.](http://starvstheforcesofevil.wikia.com/wiki/Season_1)

And for any of you already familiar with _Star vs. the Forces of Evil_ , this was written during the gap between Season 2 and Season 3, which ought to explain some of the things Star says.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Star gave the burning arch an offended look before dismissing it with a gesture.

"Pass," said Connie flatly, swiveling forward once more and resuming her brooding pose.

"Pass?" asked the blonde as she walked into view, her purple boots leaving large impressions in the sand.

"Yeah, I've had more than enough multiverse encounters for one day, than-you-very-much."

Star gave a knowing, sympathetic look. "Did you accidentally create a time loop to try and get out some super lame math homework?" she asked.

Connie shook her head. "No, this one was my alternate, future self trying to stop an alternate, evil-but-better past-version of myself from corrupting me and probably the rest of Conniedom. Both kinda died-slash-dissolved in front of me."

Star winced. "Ooh, that's rough, buddy."

The two sat in silence for a moment before a smile spread across the princess’ face. “I know what you need: a fun-filled day of magic-saturated hijinks!” She paused for a moment, then added, “Or nachos. Those make everything better.”

Connie shook her head. “I really need to figure some stuff out. I have a name to change, a hut to build, a... a best friend to sever ties with. I really don’t see, uh, nachos fitting into any of that.”

Star made a dismissive wave. “Pffft, none of that matters. I’m here!”

Connie pulled a face. “I really don’t see-”

“No, literally, none of that matters,” interrupted Star. “It’s something Glossaryck --he’s my former, blue instructor genie guy that lived in my spellbook-- calls the ‘Multiverse Crossover Effect.’ Basically, after I leave then everything that’s happened here is going to be, oh what’s that word he uses?… oh! All of this is going to be _sublimated_ into the main timeline, which is cryptic genie-speak for everything here going ‘poof’!” and Star made broad hand gestures to illustrate existence vanishing. “Or maybe it’ll be more a kaboom! Or like you woke up from a dream?” she shook her head then shrugged. “Either way, I wouldn’t bother making weekend plans,” she said, bright-eyed and exuberant.

Connie was silent as she attempted to absorb this information. Blinking, she said slowly, “So… nothing we do together will have any long-term consequences?”

“Nope!” exclaimed Star, chipper in the face of the self-professed meaninglessness of it all.

Connie sat for a second, brows furrowed…

...before leaping to her feet, arms thrust overhead as she cried, “WOOOOOO!”

* * *

Connie and Star rocketed past, squealing with excitement while riding the largest roller coaster available in the Funland Amusement park.

Down below Mr. Smiley gave up yelling about Connie’s lifetime ban. He tried to go over to the control booth to disable the ride but the room was sealed off by a yellow, transparent barrier. Inside an anthropomorphic pig with wings was operating the controls.

It waved at him.

Smiley staggered off to the ring toss he had been manning beforehand. He pulled out and unfolded a cot, set a small sign on the counter, then curled up and was asleep minutes later.

Jane walked up to report putting out another of Onion’s trash can fires. She slowed, confused as she heard loud snoring coming from behind the counter. She stopped when she saw the sign.

‘Gone crazy. Back soon,’ it read.

* * *

“I summon the All-Seeing Eye. To tear a hole into the sky.” Star raised her glowing wand aloft. “Reveal to me that which is hidden. Unveil to me what is forbidden.”

A magical window opened up showing… Lapis, on a beach somewhere, diligently sculpting something human-shaped out of sand. She was chatting idly while she worked, though whether to herself or the construct was unclear.

The sculpture had a shiny yellow shell set in the chest area and glasses made of flotsam.

Connie’s eyes went wide and she nodded her head at Star so hard she almost unseated her glasses.

“Triple Time Teleportation Tornado!” shouted Star as a vortex of air swept Connie and Star up, soaring above Beach City...

...only to vanish and reappear over the anonymous beach containing the errant blue gem and her sand statue.

The girl leapt out of the windy vortex and bounded towards the gem, a cry of excitement on her lips. The gem, meanwhile was staring dumbstruck at the girl, her mouth hanging open.

The girl threw her arms around the gem, speaking a mile a minute, alternately laughing and sobbing. The gem soon joined her.

After a tearful reunion, the girl pulled back so she could stare up at the gem, drinking in the sight of her. The gem stared down, wiping her eyes with her palm.

The girl then cuffed the gem upside the head. Twice. Then she grabbed the gem by the ear, hauled her over and sat her down on a force field she’d summoned. The girl proceeded to rant at the gem fueled by months of indignation.

A little ways away, Star, a spider wearing a top hat, and a purple cloud with a face were sharing a bucket of popcorn.

* * *

Steven was about to call Connie again when he saw the light mounted by his bedroom door flicker. That meant someone was ringing the doorbell and, after putting in his ears, he was able to hear the musical chime also.

Steven jogged downstairs and opened the door. He expected to see a package sitting on the stoop or maybe Buck Dewey, early for his guitar lesson. Instead he saw Connie staring at him with a determined look and a fierce blush.

The boy was about to say something when Connie put a hand on his chest and said, “Steven. You’re ridiculously cute and the nicest person I’ve ever met and, I mean… well, naan unnai virumpukirén.” she said, slipping into Tamil at the end. Her cheeks were burning up and the tips of her ears were flushed.

Steven staggered at her words, his blood rushing in his ears as his heart began beating like the baseline in some of Sour Cream’s rave music. “R-Really?” he stammered.

Rather than answer, she stepped forward, her face upturned. Leaning forward on the balls of her feet, Connie brought her lips up to his and the pair shared a brief kiss.

He swayed a little afterward, eyes wide and awestruck.

Somewhere up the walkway, someone cooed, “Aaah~”

Suddenly Connie shifted her stance and, in a blur, Steven was swept forward and around, pulled into a deep dip by the girl, the pair locked in a fiery kiss that sent his toes curling.

Somewhere up the walkway, someone shouted, “Wooo! Yeah!”

* * *

Star and Steven were talking animatedly between bites of donut. Both were exuberant and had a fondness for crazy adventures. Both had swarthy, dark-haired best friends/love interests. Both used Lisa Frank-decorated school supplies. Both agreed that Samurai Jack and Professor Utonium looked distractingly similar.

Connie, meanwhile, was pacing in front of Lars reading from a clipboard flipped to the final page. "-and while I neither condone nor condemn piercings, the only redeeming quality I can find for yours is that when the wind is blowing just right I can sometimes hear a whistling sound that gives me time to brace for the oncoming miasma of angst and projected self-loathing."

With that, Connie slid a fifty across the counter, flipped Lars off, and led everyone out, snacking on the most trans-fat laden donut the store sold.

The teen stood there, wide-eyed and disbelieving.

A moment later Sadie emerged from the back of the store, having finished inventory and looking after Wilford Birdly.

Seeing the money on the counter, she walked over, completed the purchase already rung up on the register, then gave a low whistle as she dropped the considerable amount of change into the tip jar.

Finally registering Lars' stunned expression, Sadie looked around the shop then asked, "Did I miss something?"

Lars gave a slow shake of his head. 

“Yeah, you kind of missed a lot, Sadie.”

* * *

Connie and Steven (holding hands) and Star had gone for the bits.

They'd had gone for the bits and Peedee, bowed from the weight of the world and his Frybo costume both, had started to do his dejected shuffling dance for the group.

One glance at the scene caused Star to leap forward, arm outstretched and pointing in challenge as she shouted, "Your days of children eating are over, food golem!"

A rainbow-hued beam teleported a bewildered Peedee Fryman, wearing the undershirt and shorts that made the mascot outfit merely sweltering to inhabit, over by Connie and Steven.

With her summoned battleaxe, Star began hacking the now-empty costume into fry-scented pulp.

Connie and Steven were about to move to stop the wanton destruction when Peedee fell to his knees, tears of joy streaming down his face as he cried out, "Deliverance!"

Ronaldo, meanwhile, was hanging almost completely out of the fry stand window, arm outstretched and filming the whole thing on his phone. When a barrage of flaming cupcakes turned Frybo's remains into a bonfire, he too was starting to tear up.

* * *

"I dunno, I think this Ludo villain of yours is most likely a Zuko, or at least a Vegeta," explained Steven, gripping the straps of his cheeseburger backpack as the trio walked up the stairs to the Beach House. "Sure he's a bad guy now, but he's probably going to be a surprise ally later on. This Toffee of yours, though, he sounds like your Ozai or your Freeza."

Connie looked at Steven fondly while Star was busy scrawling notes in messy handwriting on kitten-themed stationery.

The bubbly blonde nodded excitedly. "The internet access on Mewni can be kind of iffy sometimes; manticores chewing on the wires and stuff. So I'll buy the DVDs of _Dragon Ball Z_ and _Avatar_ in the next dimension I visit."

"Not the one with blue cat people!" // "The cartoon, not the awful movie!" said Steven and Connie concurrently.

Star paused, then made another note that read, ‘No Cameroni and cheese. No Shyamalamadingdong.’

They reached the door to the house and Connie faltered.

Steven squeezed her hand. "You don't have to do this, you know."

Connie shook her head. "This is probably the only time I _could_ do this. I... it's important. To me."

Steven reached out and wiggled Connie's nose, letting her know she had his support and assurances.

She shot him a weak but sincere smile, squared her shoulders, and opened the door.

Peridot was in the process of mounting a new phone to the vertical support beam in the corner of the kitchen. It had been a while since she'd bothered, given the rapidity with which they had broken in the past and the fact that Connie had gotten a cell phone shortly after her birthday.

Jasper was leaning on the kitchen counter nearest the warp pad, chatting with the technician. "-after our elbows shattered another table, Bismuth built a new one. Stronger."

"Tungsten?" asked Peridot, then followed with, "Titanium?" Jasper nodded. "Good choice," agreed Peridot.

Jasper resumed. "The contest was declared a stalemate after two weeks. We needed to stop another attempt to restart the Prime Kindergarten. The apostate is stronger than me, but I'm too durable for her to break, even with those gauntlets."

Peridot was about to say something when Connie cleared her throat.

"Connie, Steven, and, um, unknown blonde teenager" greeted Peridot.

"Love your hair!" exclaimed the blonde.

"Thank you?" said Peridot a little off balance before addressing her pupil directly. "Dear, was that meant to be a polite interjection or are your bronchial tubes inflamed? I can retrieve an appropriate pharmaceutical if needed," she offered.

"No ma'am. I, uh, I want to start by saying that I love you, very much. You've always been there for me," said Connie, resolved but visibly nervous.

Peridot stepped away from the phone and her cheeks flushed slightly. "Oh, well that is an eminently considerate thing for you to say, Connie. I love you as well and will endeavor to always be present to assist you, emotionally or materially," she said, a glow of maternal satisfaction about her. "I believe you said that was the start of something. Do you have more to say?" she asked.

Connie shuffled her feet nervously once more before Steven squeezed her hand in encouragement. "Well, I wanted to say... that is... so, since this is all going to be sublimated into..." she stammered out before drawing a deep breath. "Peridot... ma'am, the writing in Camp Pining Hearts is merely above average, the acting is usually so-so, and the Pierre-Percy pairing feels a little forced, honestly."

Outside there was a flash of lightning followed by a thunderclap that rattled the windows. Jasper actually gasped. Connie held Steven's hand in a vice-like grip. Far and away, Lapis staggered. The robonoids, charging in their crèche, stirred and milled about uncertainly.

Peridot's face was frozen in a rictus of horror, a faint keening noise escaping her mouth when...

...there was a puff of green smoke followed by the clatter of a gemstone and assorted gemtech dropping to the floor.

“What?!” cried Jasper shoving off from the counter.

“I poofed her?” questioned a shocked Connie followed by, “I _poofed_ her!” said in a horrified tone.

Steven ran over to Star and, as part of a nervous tic of his, signed at her as he spoke, “Star! You need to fix her with your princess magic!”

“Right, right. Marsupial Medicinal Restore!” cried Star as she made precise gestures with her wand.

In a flash an anthropomorphic koala wearing a lab coat and carrying a black bag with a red plus on the side appeared next to the downed gemstone.

Connie blinked. “Um, I don’t mean to question your magic, Star, but what does… that,” she said gesturing to the doctor that had retrieved a stethoscope and was listening to Peridot’s gemstone, “know about medicine?”

“Well, they have all the _koalafications_ for this kind of work,” she said, snickering.

Steven and Connie groaned.

Withdrawing a pair of defibrillator paddles from the bag, there was a squeaky voiced call of “Clear!” followed by a shock of green electricity applied to the stone.

While the gemstone floated up, the koala physician erected a privacy curtain around its patient. A silhouette of Peridot was soon visible within and the clunk and snap of limb enhancers being put into place issued forth.

The cutsy doctor then pulled back the curtain and speared a tiny paper labeled ‘bill’ onto one of the technician’s floating fingers like it were a paper spike. A confused-looking Peridot only stared at it uncomprehendingly.

“Try to avoid any literary or cinematic criticism for at least forty-eight hours,” came the squeaky voice as the koala packed its bag, nodded to Star, then vanished in a puff of smoke.

Peridot shook her head. “What just happened? And why do I smell faintly of eucalyptus?”

Jasper stepped around the corner, gave Peridot an assessing look, then stared with narrowed eyes at Star and Connie. “Peridot, scan that one with the Citrine hair.”

Star shook her head and said, “Oh boy, here it comes.”

Connie looked at the proceedings confused but Steven had an expression of mounting concern.

Peridot’s limb enhancer dinged and the gem squawked. “What?! These aren’t human readings at all. She has _developing wings_ among other, non-mammalian features.”

“Hey!” cried Star. “Those are priiivaaate! Gosh!”

Peridot looked up and focused on Star. “Who are you?”

Eschewing her usual fanfare, Star drawled, “Star Butterfly, a magical princess from another dimension. Normally I’d summon a rainbow, but we're indoors and this place is made of wood.”

Peridot blinked at the seeming non sequitur. 

Jasper stepped forward. “Connie. Human. _(‘His name is Steven!’)_ Step away from the extra-dimensional being.”

“What?! Why are you acting like this? Star just helped unpoof Peridot,” objected Connie.

Steven took Connie’s hand in both of his and pulled her to the side of the living room. “I was afraid of this. Anytime you have a crossover, there’s an obligatory fight between characters.”

“Jasper’s right,” exclaimed Peridot, ignoring Steven, “We know nothing of this visitor or her intentions. Besides, she must be producing some sort of mind warping effect because the validity of the Pierre-Percy pairing is self-evident.”

Jasper clenched her fists. “Leave.”

Star's wand started to glow dimly and she gave a feral grin. “Hey Connie, I think some of your crayons got left out of their box. Careful or I might break ‘em.”

Steven nodded and began rummaging through his novelty backpack. “Yup, this is definitely a contrived crossover fight. Here, you’ll want these,” he said, handing Connie a rain slicker and a bike helmet. He donned his own and the pair got situated on the couch. One of Connie's hands soon found its way back to one of Steven's.

Jasper made the first move, lunging forward to close with her opponent.

“Narwhal Blast!” shouted Star as a stream of pointy cetaceans rocketed at Jasper, forcing the Quartz to leap aside.

Peridot configured her blaster for stun and loosed a bolt at the mewman princess. The shot ricocheted off the broadsword Star had withdrawn from her tiny, star-shaped purse. 

Steven held up a mirror that deflected the bolt that would have struck him and Connie back out the open door.

“Saturated Shortening Surge!” shouted Star as a wave of cooking grease shot out from her wand as if blasted from a fire hose. 

“Oh my lard!” cried Connie, their rain slickers catching the splash. Peridot, meanwhile, was caught in the slippery assault and thrown against the kitchen counter, inches below the new phone.

Jasper pounded down into the floor, narrowly missing Star as the latter somersaulted aside. 

“Whoa! You’re faster than you look, no-nose,” admitted the princess with a measure of respect. She swiped with her sword, forcing Jasper to back off until she drew one of Connie’s training sabers and entered the fray once more, the ringing of steel on steel filling the house.

On the fourth try, Peridot was able to find her footing. She was in the process of charging up her shot when a cry of, “Sea Cow Sumo Assault!” buried the gem under a giant marine mammal with a chonmage topknot. The phone’s receiver jostled in its cradle.

“Oh, the huge manatee!” exclaimed Steven.

Star, meanwhile, was being forced backwards up the stairs to Connie’s loft as she lost ground against the superior reach and strength of her sword-fighting opponent. With some deft footwork, Star kicked the blanket off of Connie’s bed, flinging it in a concealing screen towards the orange adversary.

Jasper slashed the decoy in half but not before Star could flip up and over Jasper entirely, bringing her sword down on the gem’s head with a cry of “Ahah!”

The broadsword clanged mightily; Jasper, helmet-summoned and unharmed, turned and barreled forward like bull as Star cried out in surprise.

A green light surrounded and then shifted the sea cow off of Peridot. The technician then turned and shot her tractor beam at Star…

...only for Jasper’s charge to place the warrior in its way. Jasper stood there frozen and encompassed in green, less than an inch from her quarry.

Star opened her eyes and gave a nervous laugh. Peridot shrugged, then swung Jasper around like a wrecking ball, sending Star flying across the Beach House.

Flying uncontrolled through the air, Star cried out “Posh Interposing Pachyderm!” before crashing into the far wall.

An elephant with a top hat and an eyepiece appeared between Peridot’s ray and Jasper, the tractor beam failing to affect the animal for some reason. This freed Jasper while she was still in motion, sending her slamming into a wall.

In a high-class British accent, Connie said, “He has a monocle and a top hat. Your attack is _irrelephant_.”

Star had landed upside down against the far wall, momentarily stunned. Blowing the hair out of her face, she rolled forward just as the large orange blur of a spindashing Jasper crashed into the space she’d just vacated.

Connie and Steven used couch cushions to shelter them from the rain of wood fragments.

“Butternut Bola Attack!” A pair of ropes weighted by produce flung out, intercepting the spindashing Quartz, tying up her arms and legs. This caused her to careen through the Beach House and out the door in an uncontrolled tumble.

“Ermahgourd!” // “Gourdian Knot!” cried Steven and Connie, respectively, before turning and nodding in approval at the other’s wit.

With a ‘by your leave’ and a tip of the hat, the elephant vanished. Peridot switched to her tesla coil configuration and a humming sound emanated around her as she lined up her shot.

“Charging Rhinocephant-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t” cried Star just as the bolt of electricity struck her, the shock causing her teeth to jitter uncontrollably and her hair to frizz out enormously.

“I finally got you, you magic-slinging WAH!” shouted Peridot as a rhino with tusks and wide, fan-like ears trampled her, coming within millimeters of crashing into the phone as well.

“What is that thing?” asked Connie.

“Elephino?” said Steven with a shrug.

Jasper burst through the wall, entering the Beach House explosively and with a bellow.

The hearts on Star’s cheeks glowed brightly and the girl levitated up, the air around her thrumming with power.

Peridot picked herself up, disabled several fail-safes on her limb enhancers and immediately had two growing balls of plasma crackling on the twin tips of her cannons.

“WAIT!” cried Steven running into the middle of the room.

“Human, step aside,” growled Jasper _(“SERIOUSLY, JASPER, HIS NAME IS STEVEN!”)_.

“Don’t you understand?” shouted the boy, arms spread wide, “Crossover battles never end conclusively. If you all use your big, showy attacks you’re just going to escalate things for another round, probably flatten the Beach House, and then wind up right here with all of you gritting your teeth and showing superficial damage.”

The room was practically vibrating with menace, each combatant prepared to deliver cinematic devastation...

...until Jasper unsummoned her helmet and bowed at the waist towards Steven. “The human is right _(‘Rrra!’)_. This is feeling more and more like the arm wrestling competition, only now the table we’re wrecking is Connie’s home.” Walking back to her spot by the far side of the kitchen, Jasper leaned against the counter and added, “Besides, fighting something that looks like a human just feels… wrong.”

Peridot and Star shared a look and then powered down their respective attacks, Star landing gingerly beside the smashed remains of the coffee table.

Connie, meanwhile, had summoned a force field as large as she could and had written across it in large letters, ‘THIS HUMAN’S NAME IS STEVEN!’ She'd then drawn a thick arrow pointing down just over Steven’s head.

Jasper looked at the human, looked at the sign, then squinted. “Were you at the gathering where Lapis and Peridot formed Hiddenite?”

Connie’s eyes went wide with hope as Steven nodded his head.

“You sat on my right hand side and asked me about fights with characters from your books, right?”

Connie was clasping her hands together and biting her lip. Steven smiled widely. “Yeah, that was me.”

Jasper gave the boy a familiar head tilt. “I told you then that fiction and rhetoric make for poor sparring partners. I have just been proven wrong. Well done, Universe.”

“I’ll take it,” muttered an exasperated Connie as she collapsed onto the couch. Steven, meanwhile, walked over to see what the Quartz thought of a clash between her and the Thing.

Peridot approached Star and gestured to her wand. “What power source does this device of yours employ? Antimatter? A contained singularity? McGuffinite?”

“A tiny unicorn,” said Star matter-of-factly. She flipped open the wand's cover, revealing a little, horned equine trotting on a similarly scaled treadmill. There was a tinny whinny as she flipped the wand closed once more.

“Anyway,” she said, “I need to borrow your Connie for a little while longer, but I’ll help you tidy up before I go.”

Peridot held up her palm-equivalents. “Oh, while that is polite of you that won’t be-”

Ignored, Star thrust her wand out and said loudly, “Tidying-up Tidal Wave!”

A flood of cleaning fluids swept through the house, leaving everything cleaned, repaired, and smelling pine-fresh in its wake.

Connie spared a glance at Steven who used his finger to wiggle his nose at Connie. He blew her a kiss before returning to his conversation with Jasper, though the warrior raised an eyebrow at the display. Connie then gave Peridot a hug and stepped out the door with Star.

When the door slammed shut, the phone crashed to the floor, shot out a shower of sparks, and then emitted a cloud of thick smoke.

* * *

It wasn’t until Star and Connie had reached the bottom of the Beach House stairs that the former spoke.

“Back when we first met, you said you had a best friend to sever ties with. You weren’t talking about loverboy back there, were you?” asked Star looking unusually somber.

Connie blushed slightly then said, “Yeah. I mean, I only behaved this way because all of this was just a fun little diversion. It doesn’t change anything in the real timeline.” Connie looked at Star with sad, serious eyes and added, “There, I’m a danger to him. My future self warned me of that with her dying breath.”

Star shook her head as they traveled further down the beach. “Look, I get it. The brown-haired boy I used to adventure with… well, he was kidnapped to get to me. He was nearly killed. I had to choose between my magical destiny or saving him.”

“You did?” asked Connie, eyes wide.

“I saved him, of course. After we kicked the monster’s butt and blew up a castle, we went home and everything went back to normal and we were best buds all over again. But every time it seemed like we could be more than that I… told myself it was safer not to. I was dumb. We ended up keeping a lot of secrets from each other. Then… he ended up with his mega-crush,” and for a moment Star’s wand flashed a menacing shade of green, “who is so freakin’ cool that even I can’t hate her. Stupid, likeable, skateboarding maybe-mermaid!” exclaimed Star before sinking back into a low-energy slump.

 _And I thought my life was complicated,_ thought Connie with a mental shake of her head.

The pair walked in silence for a time before Connie looked at Star again. “But… he’s happy now, right? Or at least safer?”

Star flopped down, prompting Connie to do the same. “That’s the thing… I don’t really think sooo~? I got pulled off on magical obligation stuff at the last minute when things were really… emotional. Now we’re both miserable. And I just know that he’s going to leap out of a portal at the last second and try to do something totally heroic and self-sacrificing and he’ll get hurt or captured or used against me by Toffee. That’s how these things work. And it’ll be my fault because all he knows is that I’m off fighting and he’s not there to help keep me safe.”

Connie pondered her words, considering the possibility of Steven doing something or going somewhere he shouldn’t because he was worried about her. It… seemed pretty plausible.

Star sniffed and blew her nose loudly on the rainbow embroidered tissue she’d retrieved from her fathomless purse. “We’re both heroines. I think the sort of friends we attract know the score. And you can’t keep a boy like that safe by leaving them to guess and worry! Best case scenario: they binge-eat nachos. Worst case: you’re literally freezing out your literal devil of an ex-boyfriend as you and the boy are literally fleeing hell together.” Star turned to face Connie, her expression manic. “That’s a thing! This heroine business gets crazy sometimes.”

 _Is… Is this what my life looks like to normal people? Because it’s profoundly weird to meet someone with a crazier life than mine,_ thought Connie, mildly shocked at the prospect.

Then Star, regaining some of her usual vivaciousness, smiled and said, “No, you keep them safe by making sure they can kick the butt of anything that tries to come for them. Plus, monster fighting? Gives them great abs,” she added with wink.

Connie went a little cross-eyed at _that_ mental image. Fighting down her rising blush, Connie asked, “What if the thing Steven needs protecting from is me?”

“Then you make sure he knows how to kick your booty. Or at least how to throw sand in your eyes and run. Or how to warn you that you’re doing that thing where you get all broody and loose cannon-y. The point is, that happens by bringing them in, not pushing them away. Ya gotta talk to them.”

Connie turned the idea around in her head trying to see if it’d fit.

Star looked Connie straight in the eyes and added with a half-grin, “You know, despite the ears, I image he’s a pretty good listener.”

Connie laughed and nodded her head.

The two shared an amicable moment together before Connie recalled something from earlier. “Oh, I’ve been meaning to ask: how did you know my name when you got here?”

Star waved her off. “Oh that’s easy. This is, like, the sixth dimension I’ve met you in. There’s one where Steven’s got this pink gemstone in his belly and you’re human.”

“No!”

“Yeah! And another where you used to be human but now you’ve got a green gem and it’s all snarky but only you can hear it. One where you wear this cool tiara and have a little wand dealie that lets you make clones of yourself while you fight. That one was really neat! There’s one where everyone at your school saw you riding a lion with a sword and so you’re really popular.”

“You’re making these up.”

“Mewman’s honor. Before that, there was one where you’re, like, part of this big-haired combination of you and Steven all the time. Oh and-”

Connie cut her off, not because she thought she was lying but because she was afraid she might be telling the truth. “Alright, no more! I have enough to think about without all of that on my mind.”

Star shook her head with a dry chuckle. “Eh, it won’t be a problem for much longer. I ought to go and when I do, well…” and she meshed her fingers together representing the merging timelines… “Oh, and maybe this too,” and then made explosion noises.

“Where are you even going?”

“Oh? Me?” Star shrugged. “I’ve just been going for a walk down the beach. Had a lot to think about, you know?”

Connie chuckled. “Yeah, I think I do.”

Star got up, withdrew the scissors from her purse, and cut open a swirling vortex.

“Thanks… for everything, Star. It was fun.”

“Yeah, it was. Bye now! I’ll be seeing you. Not _you_ you but-” and her sentence was cut off as she stepped through, the portal vanishing soon after.

* * *

\---Timeline #3---

_I'll... change my name. Connie Maheswaran has friends who she might be a danger to, but Veronica Cucamonga is a lone wolf. I can build a little hut in Peridot's garden; I already live off that food anyway. Then Jasper and Peridot can come and get me whenever they need me for a mission and Steven will..._

Connie paused. It had seemed so clear a moment before but the notion of cutting herself off from Steven was looking more and more short-sighted. _How can I protect him from myself? By not becoming a threat in the first place. I’m his destiny sandwich. He’s my normal-wich on rye. I show him crazy gem things, he keeps me grounded in human things. I don't think either of us would respond well to a switch to the old diet._

The girl nodded again, formulating the way forward. _I’ll give him all the information I can: about me, about my powers, about the gems. Then he can warn me if I start going from being a well-written Lisa to being a poorly written one. He’s not my Lois Lane or my Mary Jane Watson or my Batgirl. He’s my friend, not my sidekick. In fact, no sidekicks in this story at all!,_ she exclaimed inwardly.

Connie blew out a long breath, then fished her phone out from her pocket.

_* CoMa - 03:14pm | Steven… We need to talk._

**Author's Note:**

> BR42 here. So… we’re trolls. We’ve had our _Uncle Grandpa_ equivalent planned for nearly as long as we did _Connie and The Connie_. We wanted it here both for the surprise value as well as to give Connie and the audience a reprieve from all the serious, hard-hitting episodes leading up to this point. Whether you’re familiar with _Star vs. The Forces of Evil_ or not, we hope you enjoyed this episode. But, like it or hate it, we’ll be resuming our ‘normal’ episodes next week.
> 
> For anyone curious, the other dimensions containing Connie that Star references are (in order):  
> 1) The show itself.  
> 2) [The Stranger In Me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9500753/chapters/21496235) by [Cyberwraith9](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Cyberwraith9/pseuds/Cyberwraith9).  
> 3) [The World is Your Oyster, The Universe is Your Namesake](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3808279/chapters/8485900) by [EverythingNarrative](http://archiveofourown.org/users/EverythingNarrative/pseuds/EverythingNarrative).  
> 4) [The Connie Maheswaran Fan Club (Or: How Connie Became the Most Popular Topic in School After She Pulled a Sword Out of Lion in Front of Literally Everyone)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7746817/chapters/17662573) by [CoreyWW](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW).  
> 5) This isn’t based on any specific fic but rather a subgenre, though the example that leaps most readily to my mind is [I Know](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7410346/chapters/16831783) by [Swordtheguy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Swordtheguy/pseuds/Swordtheguy).
> 
> * * *
> 
> Anyway, there’s lots to announce. 
> 
> For starters, the art schedule for Connie Swap is changing. Originally we were committing to a promo pic per episode as well as one-to-two mid-chapter pics as well. However, after more than five months of putting out weekly, high-quality art, the schedule is starting to take its toll on our primary artist: MJStudioArts (who is also a co-writer, the primary contributor and admin for the Connie Swap Tumblr, as well as a moderator for the Connie Swap Discord). As such, we’re scaling back our commitment to one mid-chapter pic every two weeks (though there will still be promo pics for every episode and more art is possible if time and inspiration support it). This was the ‘off’ week and next week you can anticipate some more of MJStudioArt’s art.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Next, [Episode 1, Chapter 3](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7435642/chapters/21104315)’s rewrite has been completed. There’s lots of new quips, comedic moments, and action beats that were worked in along with the our effort to bring the initial episode in line with the style we later settled on. If you’ve been feeling the absence of our blue snarker from the cast, checking out the rewritten chapter can be a source of some new material to help you get your Lapis fix. I’m quite proud of it.
> 
> * * *
> 
> On the omake front, we have one from a member of the Connie Swap Team.  
> *) [Love Me Like You Do](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/25790457) by our own [MJStudioArts](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MjStudioArts/pseuds/MjStudioArts) \- “Lapis' sleep is troubled and she turns to Peridot for help.”
> 
> * * *
> 
> And finally, tune in next Wednesday for **Episode 11: We Need To Talk**.  
> 
> 
>  
> 
> _Connie arranges a dinner conversation with Steven to talk about the harrowing revelations from her latest mission. Neither knows how the talk will go and both hope they'll still be friends by the end of it._
> 
> * * *
> 
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!


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